getting upset doesn't usually bother me much, but getting upset over something that really shouldn't matter really riles me - and worst still, when its a 'disagreement' (that shouldn't have been) with someone whom you consider your best friend.
a melancholy seems to have settled over my disposition during the day. and to be honest, i'm not truly sure from whence it stems. it could be a whole plethora of reasons (i can conceive of one... amongst others, yet not entirely sure whether it really bugs me), or it could be a singular one. i have not sat down to examine what it could possibly be, but on the surface of things, it seems one of the things that bugs me is how inadequate i am to perceiving the true nature of certain issues. and this does not pertain solely to school work. i often find myself at wits end - during debates, discussions or analysis - trying to hit the nail on the head. and just as often, it is not as if i did not really know what the issue was about, its just that my expressed analysis (meaning what i said) seems to convey my most idiotic thoughts or the most remote possible interpretation of it. my mind seems very convoluted, and the way i associate things is at best, strange to most people i would assume. not that i should really care too much about how others perceive me - yes, self-censuring is in play here - but sometimes i wonder if i have talked so much nonsense that i am incapable of thinking or spouting anything else but. even the coherency of this very writing is in question.
i am supposed to lead people, and yet right now, i question my own ability to lead, or rather, right to lead. and i wonder, does a leader have to get it all right before he can lead? did all the great leaders of the past have it all together? i've talked so much about having passion for whatever you are doing - is that all a farce? have i been a hypocrite? am i bluffing anyone? i don't want to be anything but sincere, and steadfast, but it gets increasingly hard. i know i can count on God to be there by my side, but it really isn't easy. i guess that's why we need a divine being to hold up our humanistic, frail selves. i know i really can't do it alone.
my friends whom i was just out at the driving range with - my closest friends, whom without, i'd honestly wonder what i'd do - have mostly not yet come to know the lord. i try to pray for them every night, praying that God will soften their hearts, and be receptive to his love and teachings. it pains me that i know there is something missing in their lives, and that without his saving grace, they will not see his kingdom. i hear all the talk about evangelising to the people in china, in vietnam, in indonesia. but how about the person next to you? how about those people whom you love and cherish most - your family, your friends. i mean, to me, so what if i can save a hundred people in some remote part of china (i do not mean to belittle the work, for at the saving of any life, the angels rejoice, and that we should work to save ALL), but to me, honestly, that is nothing compared to the souls of my friends around me. i'll not give up on them. i can't. i was just talking to them, and i realized also how they view our other christian friends who are so deeply involved in church. and how these christian friends are absent from most of our outings. i don't seek to justify my own lack of participation in church activities, for i feel that i am lacking in that, but i wonder if by being so committed to activities amongst fellow christians, are we then forgoing the opportunity to be in the company of our non-christian friends? to be able to talk to them, and hopefully share the word, perhaps not in a 'preachy' manner, but through the understanding, as christians that God has allowed us to see. for whatever reasons it may be that these friends are absent, i am sure it is valid. i just hope that none of it is because any of them feel that these non-christian friends are not as important as our church activities. i shall, and cannot cast any aspirations as to intents. but i shall not, will not give up on them. i can't. and for that, i need the lord's help more than ever.
the same is true with the other group of people whom i am associated with. i can't give up on them too. despite our differences in ideals, i have come to call them brother/sister. but it is hard to agree with some of the things that i hear being preached. but yet, i know that if i stop saying anything about it, nothing will ever change. am i in the wrong to think this way? that i am correct? i do not think i seek to stand triumphant, but i just want to be able to help them see that there is more than just their point of view or way of doing things. God is infinite and omnipotent, who are we to say what he can or cannot do. with regard to teachings, unless it is overtly wrong - cultish in the branch davidian sense - i believe we should agree to disagree. what i feel, is that by placing such a heavy emphasis on the mind aspect of christianity, we may have perhaps overlooked the heart and will ( i learnt this recently, attending a youth leadership session at my church - a first, in many years) it is not at all that i think their method of teaching bible study is wrong - it is in depth and faithful, but is is helpful? i do not think it addresses the issues that the people should be concerned with - every day issues that are at the hearts of the students. no doubt, it is important to study the bible deeply, in the manner that they are doing, but is it really helpful for the weary student who may be so jaded with life already? and this is where my earlier pronouncement of my inability to coherently string together my debate/'argument' comes in. i know what i want to say, yet i am unable to do so cogently. i feel slow, and dumb in the face of some of them. i can't use intellectual arguments with regard to faith, because i personally never really saw the bible to be true from an intellectual view point, but it was simply an article of faith that it was undeniably true. perhaps because of my growing up in sunday school and all. but i made that choice conciously as a teenager to believe that it was true, and i don't recall having needed anyone to convince me that it was, to me, it just was. regardless, i won't give up here too. we don't need to win arguments. we need to win people.
my disagreement with my friend was over the latter group of people. he was concerned that the more i try, the more i 'hang around' with them, the more bought over i'd be by them, and that sooner or later, my original intent would not longer hold water with me . i cannot say his concerns go entirely unfounded, for i had wondered about it too. i know the bible says to tell, once, tell twice, and if the people still do not listen, then perhaps it was not yet time, or not our place to be the one to change things. maybe i'm just too stubborn for my own good. or maybe i still have this altruistic view that i can change the world. but on reflection, i have to admit that perhaps he is right, that it will not be his, or my place to change anything. but yet, i still can't give up like that. i don't want to stop trying - being the persistent idiot that i am.
is it my nature, character to be so persistent? or am i just being stubborn for reasons that suit myself? am i really serving the Lord through my actions? i don't know yet. still more reflection and prayer is needed.
its ironic, that i should try to encourage others, and yet, feel discouraged myself at times. i often wonder, who encourages the encourager? then it comes to me that it can only be someone higher, and even if we do not have a human to speak words of encouragement to us, there is always our eternal father, whom speaks to us through his ever lasting word in the bible.
there's more of which i'd like to rant on about, but i guess it can wait.
looking at the progression of entries, i must seem pretty confused. as usual.heh. well, regardless of my outlook, somehow or another, the Lord will see me through whatever fog i may be in.
may this melancholy pass.
